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Post by Gaz on Feb 24, 2005 20:21:37 GMT
Single Life
A girl walks into the supermarket and buys the following items:-
1 Bar of Soap 1 Toothbrush 1 Tube of Toothpaste 1 Loaf of Bread 1 Pint of Milk 1 Apple 1 Banana 1 Plum 1 Grapefruit 1 Orange 1 Tomato 1 Lettuce 1 Cabbage 1 Baking Potato 1 Kraft Slice 1 Samosa 1 Vegetable Pakora 1 Museli Bar 1 Pie 1 Frozen Pizza & 1 Single Frozen Dinner
At the checkout a Bloke stands behind her in the queue
He is carrying the following items in his basket:-
A Six pack of Stella A Pizza & a packet of Wagon Wheels
He taps her on the shoulder and as she turns to him, he smiles at her and says....... ''Single eh ?''
The Girl smiles sheepishly and replies...... ''How did you guess ?''
He looks her straight in the eyes and gently says...... ''COS YOU'RE MINGING!!!!''
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Post by Gaz on Feb 24, 2005 20:25:54 GMT
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts,
F**K off, I'm on disability benefit!
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Post by Gareth on Jun 20, 2005 23:00:54 GMT
Good Advice
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight >miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her thong underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to te front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future mother & father-in-laws were standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Thanks for that one Gibbo. I'm sure you'd have done the same! lol.
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Becki1980
I Love Gaz
Long time, no speak😂
Posts: 76
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Post by Becki1980 on Sept 22, 2006 17:38:40 GMT
A MAN WALKS INTO A PUB. ABOVE THE BAR IS A SIGN WHICH READS..."CHEESE SANDWICHES=2 POUNDS HAM SANDWICHES=3 POUNDS HAND JOBS=5 POUNDS!" SO THE GUY WALKS OVER TO THE PRETTY,BLONDE BIG BOOBED BARMAID AND ASKS..."ARE YOU THE ONE WHO GIVES THE HANDJOBS?" THE BARMAID GIVES HIM A WINK AND SAYS..."YES I AM!" TO WHICH THE MAN REPLIES..."WELL WASH YOUR F##KING HANDS THEN CAUSE I WANT A CHEESE SANDWICH!" (AND INCASE YOU WERE WONDERING MY POUND KEY BUTTON IS'NT WORKING!)HAHA!
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Becki1980
I Love Gaz
Long time, no speak😂
Posts: 76
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Post by Becki1980 on Nov 9, 2006 13:20:18 GMT
A man walks into the doctors and tells him he's having trouble sleeping! The Doctor says..."Take two of these!" "What are they?" The man asks! To which the Doctor replies..."They're pillows!" Ha! Well i thought it was funny!
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Becki1980
I Love Gaz
Long time, no speak😂
Posts: 76
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Post by Becki1980 on Nov 29, 2006 18:36:03 GMT
A man goes onto stars in their eyes! Cat Deely asks him to tell everyone something interesting about himself,so the man goes on..."My name is Simon,i'm 26 and i have no legs!" "Wow!" says Cat "Do you have false legs then?" "No!" says simon! " I had these made from the torso of my dead uncle Nelson,made into legs and transplanted on! "Blimey,thats fab!" says Cat! "now tell us who you are going to be!" so the man replies..."Tonight Cat i'm going to be...Simon and half uncle!" lol! (Simon and garfunkle!)well i thought that was funny anyway! haha!
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Post by Gareth on Mar 8, 2009 11:00:45 GMT
The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
My mistress friend: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
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