Post by Gareth on Dec 16, 2003 14:49:08 GMT
Think most of these are small enough to be sent in text messages to your mates.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already
What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!
What do women & dog turds have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!
What's the difference between a solicitor and God?
God doesn't think he's a solicitor
What do you call three dogs and a blackbird?
The Spice Girls
What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year-old and walking the tightrope?
In both cases you really don't want to look down.
A black guy is to play the part of Frank Spencer in a new show. It’s called ‘Some mother fuckers do have ‘em’.
A guy goes into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm.
“A Pint of lager for me,” says the guy “and one for the road.”
“What’s the difference between the Morris dancers tour bus and a porcupine?
With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hare.
What do you call the big lump on the end of a man's willy?
A man.
A toothless termite goes into a pub and says 'Is the bar tender here?'
What is half a mile long and has a cunt at each end?
A police speed trap.
What do you call a woman who has lost 80% of his brains?
A widow.
What does a Kentucky Fried chicken and a woman have in common?
When he’s finished with the leg and the breast he’s got a greasy box to throw his bone in.
What is the difference between a woman and an oven?
An oven doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
How do you make a woman blind?
Put a windscreen in front of her.
What is the difference between haemorrhoids and finishing with your fiancé?
After haemorrhoids you have a good chance of getting your ring back.
What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit?
The bride.
What do you call a Scouser in a shirt and tie?
The accused.
What do you call a Scouser in an eight bedroom mansion?
A burglar.
What do you call a prostitute with white eyes?
Full!
What do you call an oriental martial arts expert who's farther has a bad case of diarrhoea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
What's brown,smelly and lies on the deck of the starship Enterprise?
The captain's log.
Why do Welshmen have button flies on their jeans?
Because the sheep can hear the zippers.
What do you call a Welshman with lots of girlfriends?
A shepherd.
How does a Welshman chat up his girlfriend?
"Here sheepy-sheepy."
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He had his dick stuck in a chicken.
What is black, white and moans?
A nun with a monk on.
What do you call five sheep tied to a lamp-post in Wales?
A leisure centre.
Did you hear about the homosexual who got sacked from working at the sperm bank for drinking on the job?
How do you know when an Arab has been in your back yard?
The bins are empty and your dog is pregnant.
What smells of piss and goes in and out?
The Okey-cokey in an old folks home.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A girl that fucks for peanuts and never forgets you.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already
What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!
What do women & dog turds have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!
What's the difference between a solicitor and God?
God doesn't think he's a solicitor
What do you call three dogs and a blackbird?
The Spice Girls
What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year-old and walking the tightrope?
In both cases you really don't want to look down.
A black guy is to play the part of Frank Spencer in a new show. It’s called ‘Some mother fuckers do have ‘em’.
A guy goes into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm.
“A Pint of lager for me,” says the guy “and one for the road.”
“What’s the difference between the Morris dancers tour bus and a porcupine?
With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hare.
What do you call the big lump on the end of a man's willy?
A man.
A toothless termite goes into a pub and says 'Is the bar tender here?'
What is half a mile long and has a cunt at each end?
A police speed trap.
What do you call a woman who has lost 80% of his brains?
A widow.
What does a Kentucky Fried chicken and a woman have in common?
When he’s finished with the leg and the breast he’s got a greasy box to throw his bone in.
What is the difference between a woman and an oven?
An oven doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
How do you make a woman blind?
Put a windscreen in front of her.
What is the difference between haemorrhoids and finishing with your fiancé?
After haemorrhoids you have a good chance of getting your ring back.
What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit?
The bride.
What do you call a Scouser in a shirt and tie?
The accused.
What do you call a Scouser in an eight bedroom mansion?
A burglar.
What do you call a prostitute with white eyes?
Full!
What do you call an oriental martial arts expert who's farther has a bad case of diarrhoea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
What's brown,smelly and lies on the deck of the starship Enterprise?
The captain's log.
Why do Welshmen have button flies on their jeans?
Because the sheep can hear the zippers.
What do you call a Welshman with lots of girlfriends?
A shepherd.
How does a Welshman chat up his girlfriend?
"Here sheepy-sheepy."
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He had his dick stuck in a chicken.
What is black, white and moans?
A nun with a monk on.
What do you call five sheep tied to a lamp-post in Wales?
A leisure centre.
Did you hear about the homosexual who got sacked from working at the sperm bank for drinking on the job?
How do you know when an Arab has been in your back yard?
The bins are empty and your dog is pregnant.
What smells of piss and goes in and out?
The Okey-cokey in an old folks home.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A girl that fucks for peanuts and never forgets you.